This is probably too personal to post this here but I’ve been struggling so much these past years. Prior COVID I used to be distracted a lot by the sheer amount of collectibles we were getting to choose from. It’s probably no related but having been struggling with depression and anxiety and after covid I find myself feeling worse than ever. I wake up feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. It’s a struggle to get through my morning routine. And when nite time comes, I don’t even enjoy the TV shows/Movies I used to enjoy. I just feel darkness looming over me. I don’t know what is going on with me. I hear story about people having gone through a rough patch regarding their mental health, but I only get a few days ever couple of months when I feel better but it’s always right down the rabbit hole. Is anyone else struggling to get through their days ? I just feel like I’m alone living in darkness and that everybody else is fine. I don’t know how people get out of this once it holds a grab on you. Medication doesn’t help, now it’s another morning which I tell myself I should be grateful to have the privilege to get to live another day, but I just feel so wrong all the time. I’m exhausted of not being able to just feel like myself anymore. I just feel like Depression has it holds on me and will never let me go, no hope…
Mental Health
- Thread starter Actarus
- Start date
I’m sorry to hear you have been struggling as I know a lot of us go through difficult periods but never feel you are alone.
I know sometimes each day can feel like a big hill to climb but we are all here so keep reaching out
I know sometimes each day can feel like a big hill to climb but we are all here so keep reaching out
Very sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I've struggled with mental health since my teens (I'm now almost 40), and whilst certain things have improved, other things have worsened, so it's a continuous battle, and I completely understand what you mean about the darkness and it having a hold on you. I can say medication has helped me to some extent, but it's certainly not a cure. Which medications have you tried? Think I've pretty much been on them all at this point... I'm currently taking Sertraline since it's supposed to also help with OCD, although if anything I find mine's now worse than ever at the moment lol. That dark cloud and the feeling of nothingness is the worst though... I occasionally get derealisation which is horrid and gives me suicidal thoughts. Best thing I ever did though was to be open about it all and talk to family or friends... now we chat about it at ease like any other convo. I also strongly suggest you try some form of therapy/councelling if you haven't already... they'll help you understand the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing, whilst obviously working towards ways to block them out etc.
Also, forgot to mention... there has been a huge increase in people struggling with their mental health since Covid, so you're definitely not alone mate. I've known people who seem to be happy and loving life, then later found out they actually suffer with depression and are just really good at hiding it, so you never truly know if/when someone is battling their own demons.
I don't personally suffer from depression and the feelings you have explained and openly shared here. However, my wife does, and she goes through exactly what you said every month, without solution that will improve the odds of having more better days and less of the ones that drag you down into the darkness. Some nights, she has over the years reached out to Samaritans to talk through her feelings especially when suicidal. I can only say that you do have people that will listen when you are down, as people do care. You are never alone, even though you may feel that way and why there is now members responding with similar experiences.
I've dealt with depression my whole life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone because sometimes there's nothing more cruel than the reality constructed by own brains. I've been lucky in recent years because as I've gotten older it's become easier for me to manage. But I think that's partly because I've become much more open with talking to people about it (which I would have never thought to do prior to therapy), and when it becomes too much I know to totally shut down - usually lying in bed and sleeping - until I reboot and feel better. Sometimes that takes a few days but it gets me through those really bad moments. I also pull from my inner absurdist and appreciation of Albert Camus: Find a way to take pleasure in the trivial. No matter how meaningless things might seem (or be) there is always something that can bring you enjoyment - and even if it is just for a moment it can still be enough to spring you out of a really depressive rut. Hang in there.
Thank you for your kind thought !
After having written about it, I somehow felt a bit of relief. I’m sorry that you are going through this as well. I’m also sorry that your OCD has gotten worse. I also suffer from Severe Anxiety Disorder and been living as well with OCD as well but that has gotten better but the Depression and Anxious thoughts feeds my depression. It’s also been 20 years+ that I suffer from this. Although it was periodic it’s been getting worse as years gone by and now after Covid(which I believe for me it’s unrelated and just coincidental) but now my Depression is worse than ever
I have many nights that I just sit in the dark waiting for hours to pass so I can go to bed when it’s late enough. I rarely am able to enjoy music as well which was a big part of my life. I’ve tried many counsellor and I’ve tried so many medication which make me ok at times during the day but I get worse in early evening. They increase my lack of interest for anything. Nothing seem to work and the fact that I’m getting worse is just debilitating. I’ve enjoyed a couple of movies these past couple of weeks but when morning comes I’m back to hell. I’m really sorry that you are going through this as well.That’s exactly why I got to post it on here. Everybody seem to be OK and just sailing through life and I feel like I’m alone in all this. This pain that creeps over you and takes a hold. I’ve just been feeling helpless lately and feel like there is no hope.
Thank you for your kind thought as well. I’m very sorry that your wife is going through this as well, it also must be difficult for you to feel powerless while someone you love are just feeling like this. I try to not talk too much to my best friend about this as I’ve been feeling like I’m feeding my darkness to him. He has been also having depressed episodes this year and I feel responsible for his state of mind. I feel like my constant depressed mood is bleeding all over him.
Again like I’ve mentioned I’m very sorry that you are going through this and like you said I would not wish this on anyone else. My meditation that I have started the last few weeks seems to help when I practice on being present but way too many days I forget and get overtaken by my thoughts and they just drag me down. I’ll try your advice and try to find little thing that I can enjoy but that has become so difficult when I’m in a long depressed period…but for me it seems as I am getting older I am just getting worse. I hate summer, that doesn’t help. Since fall and winter are just around the corner I’m hoping I’ll get some relief from the cool weather. Even taking my shower every day is a struggle. I hear people saying that they love a nice hot shower but it’s just a chore to me. Oh boy, I’m not sounding better right now but I do appreciate all your thoughts and sharing. I somehow don’t feel all alone right now. I’ll make sure to do my meditation after it since this has made me think about me having stopped doing it this week.
That's good to hear. Talking to someone and getting it all off my chest honestly works the best for me too. If writing helps, then maybe consider starting a diary of some sort and just write your thoughts/feelings down... that's something I was originally told to do and it did help to some extent.Thank you for your kind thought !
After having written about it, I somehow felt a bit of relief. I’m sorry that you are going through this as well. I’m also sorry that your OCD has gotten worse. I also suffer from Severe Anxiety Disorder and been living as well with OCD as well but that has gotten better but the Depression and Anxious thoughts feeds my depression. It’s also been 20 years+ that I suffer from this. Although it was periodic it’s been getting worse as years gone by and now after Covid(which I believe for me it’s unrelated and just coincidental) but now my Depression is worse than ever
That’s exactly why I got to post it on here. Everybody seem to be OK and just sailing through life and I feel like I’m alone in all this. This pain that creeps over you and takes a hold. I’ve just been feeling helpless lately and feel like there is no hope.
Thank you for your kind thought as well. I’m very sorry that your wife is going through this as well, it also must be difficult for you to feel powerless while someone you love are just feeling like this. I try to not talk too much to my best friend about this as I’ve been feeling like I’m feeding my darkness to him. He has been also having depressed episodes this year and I feel responsible for his state of mind. I feel like my constant depressed mood is bleeding all over him.
Yeah, the medication really only helps take the edge off my depression. My anxiety never seems to diminish no matter what I do, so I honestly reckon it's just a part of who I am now. Finding the right tablet and right amount can be a mission in itself, and they can also take time to take full effect, so don't give up with them! Same with therapy... you've got to find the right therapist that you gel with. Tbh I never found the "right" one either, but have been considering giving it another go at some point.
Nights tend to be the worst for me too, especially during winter. At my worst I end up pacing around the house feeling a sense of doom and like nothing matters... I always feel like I want someone to just knock me out so I can sleep through it all until it's over lol. This is when I try to surround myself with family, who are never too far away thankfully.
Do you live alone? If so, is there any way you can get a "roommate" or maybe even move in with a family member for the time being... at least until you feel you've made progress. There's nothing worse than being physically alone when you're struggling with depression. In the UK we have something called Samaritans where you can call a freephone number 24/7 and speak to someone who will offer support, even if that just means a friendly chat. Do you have anything like that in your country?
I really hope things improve for you mate. You've already got a few replies here from people who can relate, so you're not alone and people do care. I'm always just a message away if you want to talk about anything at all
I hope you get better soon. Sending you positive vibes!
Yes nights are often the worse. I Just tried watching a movie and I might as well have been watching the news I was not able to enjoy my evening. Like I said that’s the hard part periods when I can’t enjoy anything. I eventually just closed the tv.That's good to hear. Talking to someone and getting it all off my chest honestly works the best for me too. If writing helps, then maybe consider starting a diary of some sort and just write your thoughts/feelings down... that's something I was originally told to do and it did help to some extent.
Yeah, the medication really only helps take the edge off my depression. My anxiety never seems to diminish no matter what I do, so I honestly reckon it's just a part of who I am now. Finding the right tablet and right amount can be a mission in itself, and they can also take time to take full effect, so don't give up with them! Same with therapy... you've got to find the right therapist that you gel with. Tbh I never found the "right" one either, but have been considering giving it another go at some point.
Nights tend to be the worst for me too, especially during winter. At my worst I end up pacing around the house feeling a sense of doom and like nothing matters... I always feel like I want someone to just knock me out so I can sleep through it all until it's over lol. This is when I try to surround myself with family, who are never too far away thankfully.
Do you live alone? If so, is there any way you can get a "roommate" or maybe even move in with a family member for the time being... at least until you feel you've made progress. There's nothing worse than being physically alone when you're struggling with depression. In the UK we have something called Samaritans where you can call a freephone number 24/7 and speak to someone who will offer support, even if that just means a friendly chat. Do you have anything like that in your country?
I really hope things improve for you mate. You've already got a few replies here from people who can relate, so you're not alone and people do care. I'm always just a message away if you want to talk about anything at all
You’re lucky to have family that are there for you. I’m estranged from my family and my friends a while back could not understand why I never wanted to do anything, so we went our separate way. So yes, living alone I know does not help me, but it’s the only option I have. I live in an anomaly as my apartment gets all day direct sunlight(from dawn to dusk - every day from early to late, without a break; ceaselessly) and I need blackout curtains to cut some of the heat. It’s unbearable without the curtains closed and the AC has to be running also to cool off the place. I live right in the middle of a concrete jungle with high rise condominiums all around and no sidewalks, no greeneries (ie: no parks etc…) plus my anxiety is pretty bad and has morphed into agoraphobia so I can’t go out by myself. So yes living alone has probably contributed to getting worse, but I have no other option. I’m intensely OCD towards cleanliness I would not be able to live with someone else.
No we don’t have any support line to speak to someone like you have. There’s only the suicide hotline but it’s not for my needs. Our health care system is abysmal, it’s so difficult to get any type of support whatsoever. So yes life is ****** right now and I just can’t get the help that I would need. So that’s why this morning I was wondering if anyone else goes through hard times as I felt alone in all of this. But the feedbacks were helpful, not that I wanted people to say they go through this as well, but I was wondering if I was the only one struggling like this.
I wish I’d have the money to move, but I don’t and rent anywhere I would like to go in a greener scenery is out of my reach. Anyways I feel like I’m rambling right now
Well done for reaching out. I can only speak from experience of what you described. The advice given to me is to feel what you're feeling. Don't try and fight with it initially. It's your mind and bodys way of telling you to rest. Then the next steo for me was exercising regular with daily breath work/cold showers. This helped me come out of deep depression. I think others but notably Jim Carrey mentioned depression is a need for deep rest. I appreciate everyone has personal issues and experiences that may differ. The Wim Hof method worked for me... it's basically an extension of Shaolin Monk breathing techniques with added cold water therapy. (Whilst hot showers can be good, the endorphins released from cold showers are something else!) Others have mentioned the need for talking, confiding and community. I think those are really important things too. However if you do not have these, it can be a hard task trying to solve everything. Take it back to basics initially, you are what you eat, exercise, sunlight & breathe. The fact you have a morning routine sounds like you are doing things to help yourself, so well done for that x
Your environment sounds like it's a big part of why you're struggling so much then, and I'm really sorry to hear family aren't willing to understand or help you... that truly sucks and says more about them than it does yourself. F**k them!Yes nights are often the worse. I Just tried watching a movie and I might as well have been watching the news I was not able to enjoy my evening. Like I said that’s the hard part periods when I can’t enjoy anything. I eventually just closed the tv.
You’re lucky to have family that are there for you. I’m estranged from my family and my friends a while back could not understand why I never wanted to do anything, so we went our separate way. So yes, living alone I know does not help me, but it’s the only option I have. I live in an anomaly as my apartment gets all day direct sunlight(from dawn to dusk - every day from early to late, without a break; ceaselessly) and I need blackout curtains to cut some of the heat. It’s unbearable without the curtains closed and the AC has to be running also to cool off the place. I live right in the middle of a concrete jungle with high rise condominiums all around and no sidewalks, no greeneries (ie: no parks etc…) plus my anxiety is pretty bad and has morphed into agoraphobia so I can’t go out by myself. So yes living alone has probably contributed to getting worse, but I have no other option. I’m intensely OCD towards cleanliness I would not be able to live with someone else.
No we don’t have any support line to speak to someone like you have. There’s only the suicide hotline but it’s not for my needs. Our health care system is abysmal, it’s so difficult to get any type of support whatsoever. So yes life is ****** right now and I just can’t get the help that I would need. So that’s why this morning I was wondering if anyone else goes through hard times as I felt alone in all of this. But the feedbacks were helpful, not that I wanted people to say they go through this as well, but I was wondering if I was the only one struggling like this.
I wish I’d have the money to move, but I don’t and rent anywhere I would like to go in a greener scenery is out of my reach. Anyways I feel like I’m rambling right now
It's not something I like to admit to openly, as it's the one thing I find most people can be quite judgmental about, but I too suffer really badly with agoraphobia... at one point I hadn't left the house for the best part of 10 years. Luckily I have a lot of green areas right outside my back door so am able to go for walks without really interacting with anyone. Just hearing about where you live depresses me... no where should be without some form of greenery IMO. Where exactly is it you live (if you don't mind sharing)?
Wish there was more I could do/say to help. I know you said you don't have much money, but is a trip away somewhere peaceful and quiet something you could maybe save up for? I went through a really rough patch this time last year, so my parents kindly took me with them to the coast for a few days and it honestly did me the world of good.
You're not rambling btw. So long as you want to continue talking, then we're all ears
My best friend told me a few times that I should consider moving, but I was telling him that I can’t afford moving and the energy it takes to do so I just don’t have.
But after reading what you said, I can see it now that it is the reason as to why these days I’m getting worse and I am not in an environment that allows me to heal. I never saw it this way before, but your comments made me realize that this was it. There are other factors also, but my living conditions as you said are depressing
I rented this apartment in a rush as the renting market is so competitive when the moving season starts (I had to move to a nearby town away from the “main city” to have something of a better quality construction that I could afford) and you have to rent on the spot if you think you found something decent if not you loose it. It was a new construction unfinished building when I rented it. I didn’t have the time to even go around to see what this new town I was moving into had to offer nearby. It was late at night so it was dark, but finding a brand new built that nobody had lived in before and no painting to do, sound proofing was supposedly well done (it’s not as great as what they were telling me, but better than any apartment that I’ve lived in before as it was a must on my list so not to relive previous apartment noise nightmares). So it all looked good at the time and I didn’t have the luxury to look around, but it’s when you start living in a new place that you see how it really is. I was really surprised about the lack of green space and that my apartment would have been like a running microwave
But thanks to you, I will start to look to see if I cannot find something that would be better for me, allowing me to heal. Taking a walk in green areas around a new apartment would be very helpful as opposed to live in a closed box never going out. I will give myself time(ie: avoiding the peak season rental in spring) and moving in my own time not rushing might be a decent goal to take.
Again, thank you so much your comment was very helpful allowing me to see that living here is why I can’t start my healing process.
I admire your courage for having the strength to write so openly about the issues you are facing. I know you have probably looked into speaking with a psychiatrist and/ or a neurologist but I ran across this the other day and it was interesting and may help you in your quest to find a bit of help. I apologize for wasting your time if you have already investigated this avenue.
Actarus, I'm so sorry to hear about your battle with depression. I've been there, and it's hard. I think COVID really changed the outlook and mindset of a lot of people. What once seemed important no longer is important, and what once gave you joy is something that no longer brings you joy. People you thought you knew, you didn't know at all, and the time since 2020 has just blurred together into this ball of unorganized chaos that is mentally destroying. Truth be told, I don't know what you can do to fix yourself, but I do know there is a fix out there. Mine was medication and therapy, but everyone has different ways of repairing themselves. I'm not around HDN much these days, but there was a moment in my life when this community brought me the utmost amount of joy possible. I still love it here, but collecting hasn't been the same for me since my own battle. I do know that this place is filled with the most caring, like-minded individuals ever, so you're in a great place if you're looking for conversations to help you find your way. I see Noodles has commented; no surprise there. Nick is one of the absolute best, and someone who has always been there for me, too. Be strong and know you're never alone. I may not answer right away, but feel free to message me if you ever want someone to lean on.
When you go months without enjoying anything (anhedonia) and meds are not helping, it is worth getting a second opinion and a structured therapy plan. I switched settings and went with Legacy Healing Center for mental health in Cherry Hill, NJ because they work in an integrated way with a therapist and a physician. They focused on short, measurable steps instead of general talk. Even if you do not want a long stay, a 2–4 week plan can change your trajectory.
Whilst I , personally, am fortunate to not suffer with mental health issues, my mental state has been challenged over the last 18 months, Following my wifes cancer diagnosis, resulting in her passing away in September. Trying to stay positive is one of my goals going forward but everyday is a challenge. Your perspective shifts so drastically, causing you to view the world around you in a different light. Things that passed you by before seem more profound, affecting your emotions in ways that bring hurt and pain to the surface like never before. At the other end of the spectrum, you realise the small stuff isn't worth sweating over.
This will be my first Xmas without my wife, so the time of year is bringing its own challenges but a determination to celebrate despite her absence is something she would want me to try and do.
Sending love and best wishes your way, @Actarus and, although my problems are different I'm always open to a chat if it helps. I've only spoken to a couple of forum members here previously about my loss and know how hard it is to open up here on a personal level as there's no dedicated threads for members to be open about their personal challenges...
This will be my first Xmas without my wife, so the time of year is bringing its own challenges but a determination to celebrate despite her absence is something she would want me to try and do.
Sending love and best wishes your way, @Actarus and, although my problems are different I'm always open to a chat if it helps. I've only spoken to a couple of forum members here previously about my loss and know how hard it is to open up here on a personal level as there's no dedicated threads for members to be open about their personal challenges...
