My Lovely Mum

Hello there,

I feel I have to put something in print to explain myself, to say that I'm stopping collecting, and selling a couple of my cars in respect and love for the wishes of my lovely Mum Margaret who very sadly passed away in hospital on friday afternoon age 81.
If this is morbid and overly sentimental, I'm sorry, but I love her so much.

Mum wasn't your typical 81 year old, some of her favourite films are Withnail and I, Still Crazy, The Dead Zone, and enjoyed Shrek and Aliens vs Monsters. She also likes lots of modern music and a good few authors - though her mainstay is Danielle Steele.

I am her only son and as seems to be typical with single children, we are very close indeed.
My best friend, dearest confident, greatest critic and fan, and the only enduring and complete (platonic of course) love I have ever known.

Sadly she suffers from COPD and has heart problems.
Despite this she is a complete trojan and loves life.
After being admitted to hospital just over four weeks ago for a suspected ulcer, which they didn't act upon, and instead nearly drowned her with fluids (as they thought she was a little dehydrated). At the end of the second week they had her on a massive dose of water pills and catheterized her and drained 10KG of fluids from her, having massively overloaded her lungs and heart and putting a massive strain on her kidneys, she pulled through the almost inveitable chest infection and shook off the after effects to be toddling down the corridor to the loo with her zimmer frame and a nurse watching her, chatting with the staff and patients and staff alike and offering them flashes of her witticisms and cheeky smile.

Sadly, and very quickly, on friday afternoon, after I left her, she suffered a turn for the worse, and unfortunately I wasn't there, or at home to take the calls telling me, and they ignored her wishes to be revived "unless it's certain that I'm going to be completely gaga, I want every effort to be made to bring me back", and simply applied a DNR order on her and let her die at 4-30pm. they told me.

I got there to see her at about quarter to six, she was warm and I was sure she had a very faint pulse ( I do know how to take a pulse). I mentioned this and a nurse quickly held her wristby forefinger and thumb (which is well wrong) and said there was nothing and she had been pronounced dead by one of the senior doctors anyway> I tried to insist but they wouldn't budge.I still believe I was right, as Mum's AF (Arterial Fibrillitation) whhich means she has an irregular heartbeat that's partially controlled by Digoxin. Nonetheless, I have known Paramedics who take a pulse every day of their lives, several times a day, NOt be able to find pulse on Mum, even though she's chatting away with them.
Even the very kind Priest who said a lovely prayer over Mum in the mortuary agreed with me about the lack of a pulse sometimes as he's AF as well.

I held her hand and told her how much I love her, I opened her eyelids and her eyes were just as normal - hazel and warm and staring straight at me - I expected her to say "Boo" any second but it didn't happen. The faint pulse seemed to be there still.
Mum is AF and a pulse is often hard to find even for pros - I have known medics try and tell her jokingly when she's sitting there talking to them "I can't find you pulse, you must be dead"
I tried again to tell them - they wouldn't listen!

I stayed with Mum until 9-15pm, held her hand, hugged and kissed her and talked to her until they insisted I had to go - even when they had dragged me down the corridor, I skipped back to hug her, press my cheek to hers, tell her I love her more than anything, and kissed her goodnight.

The staff nurse who had just started the night shift was crying as was I (and still am) and asked if there was anything she could do. "Bring my Mum back"
"I can't" -
"Then give me something so I can go with her"
"I can't do that, I'm so sorry"

I love my Mum more the words can possibly say but now I am alone, empty and want nothing more than to lie down beside her and die.
I let her down and couldn't be there to save her.
And they wouldn't even let me have the photos a kind lady took of her for me in bed with her teddy (she collects them, and I bought her a new one 3 weeks ago in BHS)- cause they said it's illegal. whatever happened to care and compassion!
I haven't eaten or slept worth a damn since friday, and all my plans and ambitions for the future are as nought.

I love you Mum, always have and always will.
 
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Hi Jack,

I am really sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. It's a beautiful thing having been able to be close to your mother and to have those memories forever.

I ask you not to give up or want to die. Your mother would surely not want that - as hard as it feels at the moment, NEVER go down that road.

I would recommend, if possible, you try and ensure you are around as many loved ones as possible at this moment in time. It is all very raw for you and you should not be on your own.

I'm sure as much as we can, everyone will be here for you on HDN. Never feel on your own. Keep strong buddy.

Paul
 
Sorry for you Loss amigo but remember that we, HDN, Are here for you in this time of need. I can't imagine the pain of losing such a loved person but you must pull thru and look ahead to your future. Your Mom wouldn't like to see you in this state, keep you head up Amigo.
 
Hey Jack,

Paul is right.. You can't go down that road.

It's hard but life goes on.

I have lost both parents and was not there for either one. I loved and cherished both and everyday it hurts that I wasn't there at the end.

I had a great relationship with both but feel bitter and feel like I let them down.

It's been more than 10 years or more since I lost them at a young age but have grown to let people know what great folks they were .

Stay strong.

Shayid
 
That's terrible mate. So sorry to hear your mum is no longer around... she sounds like a really friendly and caring person. Try to remember the good times and be thankful for having such a great, loving mum. Time will heal buddy... just try to take care of yourself until then. We're here if you need us!
 
I'm sorry to hear about your loss Jack. I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. I hope you can find other family and friends to be around in this difficult time. My thoughts go out to you and your family. We are always here for you on the forum if you need to talk.
 
Jack, that is awful news, I am so sorry to hear it, BUT, do you really think your Mom would want you to take that journey so soon after her passing? I can see your Mom giving you the biggest bollocking of your life for even thinking those thoughts.

When we lose our parents we feel something different inside, I always thought mine were invincible but in the normal course of events it is what is planned out for us in the grand scheme we call life, a child should NEVER go before it's parents and your Mom wouldn't want anything but the best for you.

Please try to stay strong, I know people will say it will get better AND it will, with time< you now need to focus on yourself, look after yourself and try to get yourself to think better thoughts, otherwise you will make yourself ill and your Mom's efforts in bringing you into this world will all be in vain, think about everything she has done for you and everything you have done for her, what a waste, PLEASE, see your GP, they can help, see a councilor, see anyone who will listen to you, talking DOES help, post on here if need be, no one here will give you anything but unconditional support and you need that NOW my friend.

Please check in when you can so we know you are ok.

Keep your chin up Jack, stay strong for your Mom, your Family but most of all for yourself. If you want to talk privately, send me a conversation, I am happy to talk, listen or whatever you want.

All the very best

Sincerely

Ron
 
Hi Jack,
Sorry to hear of your mum's passing. Please know that we are here for you to vent, ask questions, seek help, anything you need. Most importantly, know that you are special and have so much to look forward to. Take the comments here to heart and take it one day at a time. I know what you are going through and believe me, you will get through this and make your mum even prouder. Hang in there mate.
 
So sorry to hear of your terrible news. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent. I lost my father, 5 years ago this month and I think of him every day.
You have all your wonderful memories to be with you always. Dont ever give up.
We're all with you on HDN.
Look after yourself.
 
Sincerest condolences, Mate. My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time. I lost my dad earlier this year and it was very tough indeed.

I hope you will find something to fill that empty void. I'm going to quote an old friend of mine that once said, "Keep on trucking".
 
Sorry for ur loss jack , I too I'm very close to my mum , would be gutted if anything happened to her , hope it gets better for u soon mate .
Dave
 
@JackRegan

I AM a Mum the thing that I would want most for my Boy and Girl when I die will be that they LIVE AND CARRY ON THIRE LIFE FOR ME.

Your Mum IS STILL A PART OF YOU. You have to go on for her.

I too have lost a perant in the space of three hours dropping my Dad off from shopping he had gone forever. I still have my Mum although I know how quicly that could change .No the pain never ever goes away however it changes becomes more warm.

When ever I cryed I thought of something that made me feel loved and laugh . It sounds like thire where tons of those moments you sheared with YOUR Mum Jack.

No matter how much we want to stop time and death it is a part of being alive . Your Mum reads like she was an AMAZING lady . Now is the time for you to be the AMAZING son she brought into this world . PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP . Heath Proffesonals are trained to help with greif .

This board and the people on here with thire outlook and support helped me so much and they still do . Anyone of us will answer your P.m IF you need us. That is ALL you need to do If you want to talk hit the Converstation enverlope .

As others have already said post here to let us know you are as well as can be expected at this tragic time and for some sole distroying time of year. We are here for you whatever you need.

My thoughts and Love are with you Jack Love Scary Hair Ann
 
Thank you all for being so kind and understanding. Really, I appreciate it more than you can possibly imagine.

I wrote to the PALS service several times during my Mum's stay in hospital, and again yesterday. I got a call from a really nice lady called Maria this morning from the Patient Care who said they were relly worried about me and would I go in to see them.

She and a lady named Rachel from the Bereavement Service monopolised the PALS office and comforted me, said I should have been referred to them as a matter of course - I was just given a leaflet "when somebody dies" and basically shown the door with 3 bags of Mum's belongings - and they still missed out her slippers, comb, winning scratchcard, and hearing aid - and I can hear her saying now. "I paid £56 pounds for that hearing aid!"

They told me I can ring anytime and go in and see them too. Maria rang my GP and told them I had lost my Mum and I have an appointment to see him on Thursday morning. That said, I feel like I'm being a lot of trouble but they said not to be so silly, it's all perfectly normal and I was coping remarkably well - Frankly I don't know how I managed to drive up there today - car was almost on autopilot and I just keep crying from nowhere, just when I think I'm coping tolerably well.

Mum is the most amazing woman I've ever known. She taught me so much, and played both Mum and Dad after he left (Navy man with wanderlust) when I was about 8) and never paid a halfpenny in child support.
Years later, after 9 months in hospital Mum nursed me (whilst still holding down a full time job) through the aftermath of a horrifc car crash - passenger in a car that according to the Police Accident Unit "stopped from in excess of 73 miles per hour in 9 inches" and the impact was all on the passenger side. If you work out the G-force I shoud have been dead and buried myself at 20 from that.
She has turned her hand to very many skilled and unskilled jobs and excelled at them all: Winder in a cotton mill, Welder (yes really - spot and gas welding), Shop Manager, Wages Clerk for an entire factory,Wages Clerk AND Usherette in a Cinema at the same time, Bar Manager . . .
I don't think she's ever made an enemy, was really bonny and young for her age until illness got hold of her - so much so it was kind of embarrassing as a kid when my best mate's elder bother and his mates would cram into a car and drop my mate off at ours' in hope of gawping at my Mum - I can smile at it now though.

As I was told today,, I'm on an emotional rollercoaster where nothing seems real and there's hurt and pain round every corner but I have to be strong. Easier said than done when you're up, down sideways, can't sleep, can't eat, restless, listless, have lost interest in everything and are filled with regret, self hatred and blame.
They're right as you all are - and Mum, who in a wistful moment a couple of years ago said to me "I have to go sometime you know"
"I know, but not yet a while - and when you do I think I'll just kill myself"
"Don't be stupid, I didn't bring you up to kill yourself. You have to be strong".

Whilst all the women in Mum's family have been strong, as many women are, I'm your typical man - just a fascade of strong.
I won't go into the full details of failed serious relationships, but No1. aborted our baby daughter in favour of a new job that brought a Porsche with it - that was the end of that - I packed her bags whilst she was away having the abortion.
No.2 suddenly "Found God" with some bunch of religious nutcases and ran off to Torquay to "open a church" with some Scots tosser who'd just done 16 years in clink for murder - but he'd "found God" as well so that was hunky dory!

Mum was always there to turn to through those moments, and sadly Mum is all I have left by way of family. Friends have variously emigrated, died of something unspeakable, or drank themselves to death. I'm only on nodding terms with a few people and that's about it.

I had been holding out hope - as had she - of Mum getting really well (it really looked like it was going to happen (she's down for Pulmonary Rehab in January, and gentle exercise classes, whre she'd not just exercise but meet new friends - and she is gregarious by nature) , and my settling down for good with a nice lady and becoming "daddy" so Mum could seem me settled for good (hopefully) which I know she wanted so much for me before that fatal day arrived; I suspect because she hoped there'd be someone there to support me all the way through losing her - unlike now.

Yet it wasn't to be, and now it feels like just so much pie in the sky airy fairy nonsense!
I just can't focus on anything at the moment, even sorting out Mum's affairs is totally daunting and seems so final - drawing a firm line under her life is something I don't feel able to do.
The idea of comitting her body to ashes is devastating (but that was her wish - cremation).

And I never wanted to be in the spot of being executor and sole beneficiary of her estate - I feel like the bloody harbinger of death.
I just can't cope with the emotional turmoil right now, and I'm just lurching from one minute to the next right now.
I don't really feel sorry for myself. I just wish I could have Mum back fit and well.

If she could have ten good years after the recent years of illness hurt and disaster (step-father was a pig with her), I'd happily forfeit the rest of my allotted span.

I occaasionally nod off for ten minutes here and there, and wake up crying feeling like a seven year old and calling out for Mum.
I stilll have to blame myself, blame the doctors for not doing what they were asked to, and I've lost the only constant true enduring relationship in my life - how the hell do you get over that?

I'm sorry for being boorish - and many, many thanks for the kind words
 
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@JackRegan

You are NOT being borish at all you are greeving . Everyone deals with it in a different way. I'd trade my own life for my Dad's if I could have . If thay had have saved him like your Mum then what IF the quality of life was no longer thire ? .

I was a care assistant for 18 years some of the things I saw people live and die with if thay had have been an animal you whould have been prosecuted for cruelty .

Jack the rollercoster you are on is just the start at the moment . This is early days yet your head and heart just burns like your eyes from crying . Slowly one thing at a time . Try and take little baby steps . You will hate me for the next bit however once you have carried out her final wish of a cremation the acceptance of loss sinks in more . Then so so slowly you start to rebuild yourself.

Think of all those great times and even though phisicaly she is gone you ARE NOT GOING CRAZY WHEN YOU STILL SEE AND HEAR HER . I refuse to believe that someone who has been with us for AL of our lifetime is erased like that. Like you said 56 quid that cost me . She WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU .

Almost 5 years and I still hear my Dad telling me stuff most of it he was always right .

The estate side can wait till you are strong enough to deal with it . You will be strong like you are being now and will continue to be . Get the Drs appointment brought forward if you need to . Sleep will come , eat when you feel like it and what you feel like.

When you get good seconds maybe even minates in these early days DON'T FEEL GULTY . Your Mum wanted only YOUR happyness , that is all any Mum wishes for her kids.

I mean it Jack just use the P.M enverlope to anyone of us . You have got Ninjas at your back .

Huge huge THANK YOU for letting us know you holding on . Try and look around your area for support groups .

All my love to you flower Ann .
 
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@JackRegan I am sorry for your loss. I kind of know what you're going through here, I just lost my grandma the day after thanksgiving which we talked for about 3 hours together before I had to go to work and work all black friday weekend....Hang in there man. Your mom would want you to be strong in this moment. Take it easy :)
 
@JackRegan
So sorry for your loss. Keep your head up mate. Though she has passed away, her life is celebrated through you. You are her legacy. It's ok to grieve now and take as much time as you need. Just always remember that she would want you to be happy with and without her. Once again my sincere condolences
 
I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through, I'm sorry for your loss. Please accept my sincere condolences.
 
You worded that beautifully @JackRegan. I'm sorry for your loss mate. As per our discussion your posts have both moved and schooled me (my vocab has gone up a few points).

Try not to bury yourself in grief, your Mum is at peace now and I'm sure the last thing she'd want is for your mind to be fuelled with anguish and self-condemnation. Your Dad was in the Navy, you have the temerity and strength in you.