Since I haven't posted this story yet here it is...
About 5 years ago I was jobless and went through a temp agency which assigned me to an ink jet cartridge recycling company. In order to empty an ink cartridge you must put it inside a centrifuge which will spin 48 cartridges at once and get all the ink out of the cartridge. Andre, an inmate that gets to work while incarcerated, is my "supervisor" and trainer. He's about 6 feet 250-300lbs and a genuinely cool cat, but you wouldn't want to be on his bad side kind of dude. He tells me he'll take care of me and watch my back. Thanks Andre.
My hours were 6am-230pm and I got to tell you it wreaked havoc on my bowel system as it was set to pricely release poo at 7:30am when I normally would wake up and take the morning dump. My first break wasn't until 9am.
It was tuesday, approximately 7:30am maybe a little earlier as my body was trying to get things moving sooner as it adjusted to the earlier wake up time. The pizza I ate the night before (super supreme with double jalapenos and onions) was clearly showcasing it's ability to generate enough gas to move the entire US trucking fleet. Being the polite gentleman I am since I'm crammed in an assembly line of mostly inmates on work release I'm trying to hold this massive gas bubble until break time. The pain is gut piercing and every once in awhile I feel bubbles move around corners of my intestine producing loud gurgling noises even my neighbors were having a hard time believing I was "just hungry." My body literally was shuddering around every passing minute begging for release.
I couldn't hold out anymore, the idea that I had at least another hour of this was too much.. I was starting to break into a cold sweat. I formulated a plan. The centrifuge spin is done for 1 minute and then you open it and while it spins down there is a huge gush of air that gets sucked in and blown out of the centrifuge like a vortex of air mass. I figured if I ripped the fart right as I opened the centrifuge it would suck all the air around me into the centrifuge and then nobody would know where it came from. I. Am. Genius.
The clock ticked down to 55 seconds, feeling my anus starting to fail I opened the centrifuge and let all the gas out. I felt my entire waist line shrink at least 2 inches and an enormous amount of gas was let loose into the vortex of the centrifuge.. I could feel the air was still warm as it flew by me and..... instantly blow back out into the entire room. Andre quickly shot over to my side and screams, "WHOA! SOMETHING BURNED UP MAN GET BACK!!!!" and shoves me out of the wretched blast of air from my colon.. it smelled like rotting vegetables and vinegar. Andre, not to let me endanger myself, sticks his head DEEP inside the centrifuge and takes a vomit-worthy breath inward and looks at me in horror. "Something's not right with your machine man, I'm going to go get the tech to come take a look at it, stay back!" I could taste the blood from my lips as I was biting them so hard to keep from bursting out laughing. After he tells the tech he comes back and goes, "I don't smell it anymore but that's not supposed to smell like that at all man..." I couldn't take it and started crying in laughter and fear.. more laughter than anything.
Andre looks at me, then the centrifuge, then looks back at me and goes, "That ain't right man, that ain't healthy, and it ain't right...."
