It finally happened. I may have partied just a tad too hard.
With experience comes great knowledge, and I think I've experienced a lot of booze in my days but my buddy's birthday party was probably the most I've had in a sitting (aside from when I was drinking all night at a 4 kegger and experienced the plateau of drunkeness where I just couldn't get anymore drunk). I took out the top and bottom floors of a 30-pack along with a shot of jager, a shot of rum, and some dude that brought like 5 or 6 750's of beer that I was sipping on for tasting. Like all in-the-know drunks I switch over to ice water to begin the deceleration of my drunken self to sobriety because at some point I have to go home... like in the morning, and I don't want a headache or the weird ass taste in my mouth from the blisteringly dry tongue that's 1/4 the size of its normal self. You know when your tongue is like a grow toy and you take a sip of water and feel your tongue expand? I hate that.
Anyways. So I'm plugging away at this ice water and everything feels fine the night is going well, we got snoop dogg hopping on our band's PA, our studio guy is drumming on the beats and our bass player is just popping the bass lines out and people are dancing. I point this out because that's how "sober" I was. No blackouts woo! Then, it hits me. The most unusual sensation I've EVER had in my gut. It's not the drunken taken over feeling where you know you're gunna ralph. It's like there's some little guy in there grabbing the two sides of your gut and tying it in a knot. So I'm thinkin meh, time to poop I guess? I did eat a few deviled eggs and you know the rest. I get into the bathroom and with just enough time to lift the lid on the toilet the puke starts, and violently. To the point I burst the blood vessels in my face causing temporary black eyes that healed up mostly yesterday. My entire face was bright blood red from all of the bursted vessels. My eyeballs felt like someone jabbed their fingers in them and I couldn't stop puking. Wave after wave after wave after wave I expertly maneuver each violent torrent of puke into the bowl with just a small drop here or there on the rim from a standing position and all I can think in my head is, "All this from beer?"
Finally the torment ends. I wipe up my mess and check the mirror. Friends, I've never horrified myself in my entire life as much as I did looking at this hamburger face of a person in the mirror. It looked like someone had just beaten the living piss out of me. My face was puffy, bloody looking, I had black eyes, and my actual eyeballs had a broken blood vessel here and there. I wash my face to make sure I'm not just kidding myself but the mess remained. I straighten up, take a deep breath and head back out to party, I mean... the night is too fun to stop right? I grab a beer, or 3.
Naturally, the wife and people at the party are like DUDE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I shrug it off and clink drinks and say don't worry 'bout it. Wife and I crash on the couches around 4AM. So later that morning the wife is very concerned since my face has yet to return to normal and I explain what happened but that I don't understand how since I didn't FEEL dizzy or sick at all up to that point. Right as this comes out of my mouth I hear my buddy's wife upstairs tell a friend, "Here, don't drink the water out of the faucet, you have to use the filtered water, our water isn't good for you, we just had a main break the other day and there's bad stuff in the water."
son of a *****.
and so do new tools from Lowes or Home Depot. 
